Saudade
by ExiledfromAzerath
Summary: "I'm not like you Edd...I'm not...strong enough." You can forget what a person has said, but you will never forget how they made you feel. Kevedd
1. Sweatervest

" _Perhaps a sweater vest wasn't the best choice I could have made today. I should have at least tried to dress like the others."_

Eddward looked down at his semi professional attire before pulling his vest down over his collared shirt. He had felt so strongly about this outfit last week when he had picked it out; it was the first day of high school after all, and it was a fresh start for the Ed boys. Now that he was seeing what Ed and Eddy were wearing, he was starting to have his doubts.

" _At least Eddy looks confident to start his first day."_ When Edd approached Eddy at the end of the cul de sac, he almost didn't recognize his childhood friend. Eddward had gone to Space Camp for the summer, having little more than phone call and email contact with his neighborhood friends. Eddy had broadened out a bit; his shoulders finally squared enough to fit into that leather jacket his brother gave to him on his thirteenth birthday. He had shaved the sides of his hair and gelled back the top in the odd pseudo-1970's style that he had picked up from his father's outdated Playboy magazines. Acne marks littered his forehead and slightly darkened peach fuzz had started to line his upper lip; he was determined to develop a mustache as soon as possible. He lifted his fist out to bump against Eddward's.

"About time, Sock head. We were about to go without ya, right Ed?" Eddward returned the fist bump.

"Oh please Eddy, like you would ever intentionally be early for a day of school. Am I correct, Ed?" Both boys turned to their third partner, who had been staring absentmindedly at his torn up converse sneakers. Ed's curly red hair had grown into waves covering his thick eyebrows and freckles littered his face. The green sports jacket that Eddward had grown so accustomed to had been replaced with a Peach Creek Cobblers letterman jacket. Last Eddward had heard Eddy was attempting to convince Ed to try out for the football team. He must have made the cut.

Ed continued to look puzzled for a moment before looking up at his friends and stating "I think I left my socks at home, guys."

Eddward couldn't help but chuckle. "Pretty sure you left your brain at home, Ed."

Eddy just scoffed. "Pretty sure he's never had one to begin with."

Without much more to be remarked, the boys started their walk across town to Peach Creek High School. The boys exchanged events of their time over the summer. Eddy had spent the summer in summer school and claimed to be hooking up with a few girls in the area, but would not mention who. Eddward assumed Eddy was fibbing, perhaps hoping to "start fresh" with a more radical reputation.

When they approached the school campus, the boys could see the other children corralling around the bike rack and the front steps. Nazz had started high school last year along with Kevin and Rolf. Meanwhile Jimmy, Johnny and Sarah were still in junior high across the street. It would be weird to not see them as often as he was accustomed to. Everyone had changed slightly and yet not so much at all it appeared. Eddward was overwhelmed with the lump in his throat. Eighth grade was overflowing with such conflict and insecurity; High school held promises of new beginnings and self discovery and he was anxious to discover what kinds of new starts awaited him.

A high pitched honk startled the Eds into jumping back onto the sidewalk from the street corner. A familiar streak of green and red flew past them, skidding to a sudden halt in front of the bike rack. Nazz was heard cheering with delight; Kevin had arrived.

Red 5'o Clock shadow had taken over Kevin's cheeks and chin, while his hair had been cut short into a slightly grown out crew cut. This was much different than when Eddward had last seen him, with shaggy red waves and a clean shaven face. The football jacket draped over his now square shoulders matched Ed's; they wouldn't have official placements and numbers until initial practices were finished.

Eddward suddenly felt extremely self conscious of his sweater vest.

"Jesus Christ, Sockhead, look at him! Buzzing around on that piece of crap like he owns the joint! Who does he think he is?" Eddy gestured wildly in Kevin's general direction. Eddward started at the redhead thoughtfully; it was a rather good question.

Memories of the previous school year flashed in Eddward's mind. _Terrified green eyes staring into his and rough lips…the alluring stench of Axe Body Spray…_

Eddward attempted to shake the memories from his mind and put his arm around Eddy's shoulders.

"It's a new year Eddy; a new start. Let us try to reintroduce relations with our neighbors with a positive effort. After all, we have so many adventures to look forward to! There is no sense in dwelling on the past!"

Eddy grumbled the corniness of Edd's statement before ushering Ed and Edd to approach campus.

Eddward believed his statement. He could not dwell on the past. He could not afford to.

The first day of classes filled Eddward with enough academic excitement to wear anyone else down. He had been placed in some AP classes, much to Ed and Eddy's chagrin. Eddward had seriously considered not taking the AP classes, but decided against it come registration time. Ed and Eddy protested, causing Eddward to compromise and promise to tutor them at lunch. They reluctantly agreed.

It was going to be a difficult year without having his friends in each of his classes, but Eddward could not help but at least try to meet the expectations of his teachers and parents. He had been told before the school year had even begun that he would be almost guaranteed valedictorian when he graduates and this piled on many expectations on him from his community.

His reputation preceded him; Teachers had already started pulling Eddward aside to discuss accelerated programs, skipping grade levels and early college acceptance. The packets of information handed to him were overwhelming. Eddward could not help but tuck the impending concerns into a folder for later review. His parents would insist on acceleration, Eddward was sure of it. But it was too early to be thinking so far ahead. The vision of such academic success was almost too exciting to bear, but Eddward was perfectly happy graduating with his friends and his high school class.

The lunch bell alerted students to the cafeteria. Eddy slammed all of his weight into the blue plastic bench by the window. He was peering disinterestedly at his lunch. Ed had already started eating.

Eddward quietly placed himself in the chair opposite Eddy and began to unpack his homemade lunch. The school lunches were too questionable for his tastes, and the discolored items on Eddy's plate only made Eddward more appreciative of preparing his lunch the evening previous.

"Man, I'd kill for a slice of pizza right now…What's a guy gotta do to get some decent food in this school?" Ed looked up from his food.

"We should go down to Cheesy's Pizza guys! Gravy and anchovies on me!" He exclaimed, beginning to salivate at the idea of his favorite pizza parlor. Eddward couldn't help but grimace at the memory of their _last_ gravy and anchovy pizza. Eddy vomited for two days after. Eddward went home without eating that night. They tried to humor Ed. They really did.

"Well Ed, as pleasant of an idea as that is, only upperclassmen are allowed to leave the premises for lunch. Surely as we advance grade levels, we could arrange such endeavors during lunch time." Eddy scoffed.

"No one is going to take us seriously if we wait until we're juniors, Double D. If we're going to make a good impression, we need to start showing everyone that we're not dorky little kids anymore."

Ed gave a wide smile. "Wait until they see how much I have grown!" Eddward raised an eyebrow.

"I am sure we will develop respect from our classmates at our own pace Eddy. History has shown that extra effort on our end often causes more-"Eddy slammed his hands on the table, interrupting Eddward's comment. Eddward jumped back.

"Oh no! We tried that in middle school and look what happened! Nazz turned me down last year and Ed is still a virgin…and those rumors last year about you and Kevin? Super messed up." Eddward felt his face heat up at the memories.

"This year is going to be different. We're older and we're going to be hotter and more experienced than ever this year! We'll show them how much they're missing out by blowing us off! And the ladies will be all over us!" Eddward frowned. Ed seemed hardly concerned about his sexual debut, and Nazz was never going to fall for Eddy. They had nothing in common. Nazz was on student government with Eddward, running for class president. She was a cheerleader and part of the track team. She loved Gossip Girl and reality television. Eddy collects antique records and plays games on his Xbox all weekend long. Nazz would hardly be interested.

"Oh please Eddy! You can't really be serious. This isn't some Seth Green movie that you and Ed watch. This is real life! High school popularity is nothing but a fickle blimp in our lives to come."

"No one is going to mess with us anymore Double D. We're going to come out on top! I'm going to have some money coming in and I'm going to make sure we spend it right! Nazz and I will be spring fling King and Queen, and you and Ed will have ladies draping on your arms in no time!"

Eddward couldn't help but roll his eyes. The last thing on his personal agenda was obtaining a girlfriend, and Ed couldn't seem to care about anything more than food and football. Eddward looked down at his salad wrap lunch, hoping that the conversation can now transition into something less problematic. Eddward racked his brain, searching for a transitional conversation to distract Eddy.

"Oh Eddy! You mentioned that you have some money coming in! Did you get a job?" Eddy smirked.

"Well, you could say that." He hinted with a chuckle. "My brother knew a guy across town and his little brother is taking over his business, so I'm going to be working with him." Eddward lit up and leaned across the table, showing interest. Perhaps this was the conversation they needed.

"That's wonderful Eddy! Employment can be quite fulfilling! Tell me Eddy, what kind of work would it entail?" Eddy crossed his arms and grinned.

"Oh, you know sales. I know I'll be good at it!" Eddy smirked before looking over to his left. "Perhaps you should get a job, Ed." He commented. Ed looked up from his meal.

"Had one all summer Eddy! Construction with my dad! Dad wants me to focus on football this year. Yup! He says the gravy train is calling! Yum!" Ed paused before standing up. "I'm getting seconds." He stated before walking off, empty tray in hand.

"Jeez, Ed's a human garbage disposal I swear. He'll eat anything." Eddward could not argue.

"Hi guys!" Eddy and Eddward eyes jumped up at the sound of the feminine and cheerful voice of Nazz. Eddward had to admit that she was developing into a stunning young woman. She still kept her hair cut short and her smile bright. She beamed as she quickly pulled out a flyer from her purse and handed it to Eddward.

The flyer was colored neon yellow with highlighter pink lettering; Hideous, in Eddward's opinion. It was information regarding Nazz's birthday house party at the end of the month. Since Nazz's family renovated their home, the cheerleader would find any excuse she could to throw a house party. Eddward had been invited to some, but had only gone to one, her "End of the School Year Bash" in May, before he left to camp. Eddward peered up at Eddy, whose brow was beginning to moisten with anxiety. Nazz did not appear to register Eddy's body language and continued.

"It's on the 30th- a Saturday! You should totally come, Double D!" Eddward couldn't help but notice Eddy's sharp eyes glaring jealously across the lunch table. Eddward couldn't help but smirk as Eddy's face glowed red. He was not remotely interested in Nazz but was falling into her favor much more successfully than Eddy could.

"How kind of you, Nazz; I shall certainly consider your offer."

Although Eddward was feeling quite confident at that moment, his reply lodged itself into his throat as Kevin slowly meandered to the table, football jacket slung over his shoulder casually.

"Hey Nazz, are you ready to hit the-oh." Kevin's smile faded. He paused as Eddward's eyes lined up with his. Eddward's face began to feel warm.

 _The smell of chlorine suffocating his nostrils… Red hair…warm, wet skin…rough lips…_

Eddward cleared his throat.

" However, with my academic schedule as intricate as it has become…" Nazz interrupted his attempted excuse.

"Oh c'mon silly! You have to come! It's not a party without Double D!" Eddward could hardly concentrate with Kevin's eyes burning into his. What was he trying to say to him? They almost looked….

"Well, I shall certainly make an attempt to attend. Thank you Nazz." Nazz let out a cheer of excitement, turning to unexpecting Kevin with glee.

"Isn't that great Kev?! The more the merrier, right?" Kevin's eyes slowly pulled away from Eddward's, and he suddenly plastered on what Edd believed to be the most exhausted looking smile he had ever seen.

"Yeah, of course Nazz. You're party will be poppin' with the right people." Nazz beemed, her tilting head causing her hoop earrings to fall. Eddward wished he could be that positive and cheerful consistently. Perhaps he would feel less insecure with himself.

Eddy's stuttering caught Eddward's attention. His face was red and is brow was creating perspiration.

 _Good Lord,_ Eddward mused to himself. _Eddy can be so dense sometimes._

"N-Nazz, you look r-raddishing today…" There was a brief pause before Eddy had realized he had messed up. Eddward balked. Nazz and Kevin started to roar with laughter.

"It's _ravishing_ , Eddy. Ravishing!" Eddward whispered; it was too late though.

"You're so funny, Eddy!" Nazz gushed, tears of laughter beginning to form in her eyes. Eddy sunk down beneath the table.

"What a dork." Kevin commented as he started to walk away. Eddward and Kevin made eye contact once more. Eddward could swear he saw a glimmer in Kevin's eyes.

"Oh…right…." Kevin offered. "Catch you later, Double D." Eddward felt his face flush again, feeling his stomach fill with butterflies. Eddy watched Nazz trail after Kevin, chattering about the events coming up. Eddy slammed his face into the lunch room table, despondent.

"Aw man. Why does this shit keep happening to me?!" Eddy howled, pressing his hands against his temples.  
"You need to ingest more fiber, Eddy!" Ed commented, plopping in his seat. "What happened, Eddy?"

"She didn't even invite us, Ed!" Eddy exclaimed, lifting his face from the lunch table. Ed appeared confused.

"Nazz's birthday party, Ed." Eddward prompted. Ed smiled.

"Oh yeah! I got one of those this morning!" Ed reached into his back pocket and pulled out a wrinkled flyer, identical to Eddward's. Eddy wailed with grief.

"What the hell?! Why did you guys get one but I didn't!" Eddy slammed his head down again. "Why won't she take me seriously?" Eddward couldn't help but muse. _Nazz was a cheerleader, therefore friends with Ed, a football player. Nazz was also on the student council with himself, therefore, they had become acquaintances. Eddy had made no effort to bond with Nazz on another level. How does he expect himself to obtain Nazz's affections if he makes no effort to get close to her?_

Eddward caught himself. He could hardly judge.

Eddward hated the high school lockers. They jammed far too easily to be coincidental and Eddward seriously considered sending a letter of concern to the main office. He yanked and jiggled the padlock multiple times before it finally unleashed, causing the locker to fly open and send Eddward cascading to the floor.

He felt his back hit the linoleum floor and heard his books thud harshly beside him. He opened his eyes to the bight florescent lighting above him. How embarrassing.

"Curse my impulsivity." Eddward muttered to himself. A tan hand slowly entered Eddward's vision.

"Have a nice trip, dork?" Eddward followed the hand to see the owner, Kevin above him. Flabbergasted, he allowed Kevin to assist him to his feet.

"Thank you Kevin, that was very kind of you. Tell me, how was your summer?" Eddward probed. Kevin's eyes narrowed.

"Fine." Eddward paused.

"Well, mine was just splendid! Did you know that within the next century, human kind could be living on Mars?" Kevin adjusted his hat and started to turn his body away.

"Fascinating. Gotta go…" Eddward knew that it may be best for him to remain silent, but as he watched Kevin start to depart, he couldn't help but speak up.

"Kevin, wait…" He begged. The redhead turned his head back towards him.

"Can we get together soon and discuss last year? There is much left to be said." Kevin shook his head.  
"Dunno what you're talking about Double Dweeb. Nothing happened last year. Quit making stuff up man. People will think you're crazy or something." Kevin stalked off, leaving Eddward feeling particularly vulnerable in the hallway.

 _How could he say that nothing happened? How could he pretend? There is no way he could have forgotten…_

Eddward looked down at himself.

 _Stupid sweater vest._


	2. Red Ink

"Now keep in mind that midterms are 40% of your grade, so don't think that studying the night before will help you! That mindset will not help you when you start high school next fall."

Kevin silently panicked in his eighth grade science class, running his fingers through his red hair as sweat started to drip down the back of his neck. Biology was much harder than his teacher had implied. He knew if he bombed this exam, he would be benched for the Thanksgiving football game, where high school and college scouts would be watching the Junior High kids play. It was way too important of a game for Kevin to miss over a stupid test. He couldn't fit in extra credit either, not with practice as intense as it was and with basketball tryouts and ice hockey next season.

Kevin dropped his head with some force onto his desk, covered in assignment papers and quizzes with subpar grades taunting him with the smell of ink and the brash red pen. There had to be another way to come out with a decent grade in this class. There just had to be.

"I recommend study groups or a study partner for large exams such as this. It will keep you on track and accountable for each other's success. Would anyone in the class like to be assigned study partners or would you all like to select your own?"

There was no way Kevin was going to be able to do this on his own, but the idea of asking for help felt more intimidating than crawling into a pit of snakes. Why would a guy like him ever ask for help?

When the class did not respond to the teacher, she paused before reaching into her desk and obtaining the class census.

"Alright then. The study partners will consist of the following…" The classroom let out a loud groan.

"Ed Drommond and May Kanker." Kevin could hear May's squeal of glee. Ed pariscoped around the classroom, appearing confused, as usual.

"Eddy Reese and Naz. " Kevin had to give Nazz credit, she could get alone with just about anybody. Kevin watched her lean over and give Eddy a hesitant smile; he couldn't help but give her credit. She would do her best, as she always did with any situation that was handed to her.

Kevin felt his palms get slicker against his cold desk as names were announced; Even hearing his out loud made his chest tighten.

"Marie Kanker and Rolf"

The sweat was starting to fog up Kevin's black wired glasses.

"Lee Kanker and Johnny Scotto."

Kevin shut his eyes tight, heart pounding despite not understanding why.

"Kevin and Eddward Pensky." Kevin's eyes flew open and darted to the front seat across from him. Sock Head Ed turned his head towards Kevin and gave him a friendly smile with a shrug of his small shoulders. Kevin weakly waved.

He rationalized that he could not be too angry. Out of everyone in the class, Double D had the best grades, and was the least annoying of the Eds.

The teacher continued to call out names, but Kevin wasn't listening anymore. He was preoccupied with filling his brain up with the positive outcomes of associating with the geeky dork. The guys on the team were definitely going to give him shit for being seen with him in public.

When the bell rang, Kevin rapidly shoved his paperwork into his backpack, letting it crinkle and rip on its way inside. Practice was thirty minutes after school, which appeared to be a lot of time. However Kevin had discovered very little could be accomplished in a half of an hour.

As Kevin jumped from his desk, he threw his red backpack over his shoulder and raced to the front of the classroom.

As soon as Kevin blinked, Eddward was standing in the doorway, causing the sportsman to skid his sneakers against the dirty linoleum floor to a stop.

"Greetings Kevin, I would like to take a moment to discuss our academic partnership for the semester if you would be so kind."

 _There he goes again with that complicated dork talk_ Kevin grumbled to himself. He looked down at his grass stained sneakers.

"Yeah, alright sure, make it quick though; I'm late for practice." Eddward's eyebrows furrowed before he cleared his throat.

"Very well. I understand that your schedule is quite full, as is mine. I'm am willing to accommodate your extracurricular activities, so long as you make me aware of your schedule that is. "

Kevin pulled his baseball cap down onto his head tighter.

"Tuesday through Thursday, until five." He mumbled. Eddward nodded.

"Very well. How about Monday and Friday afternoons?" The quiet boy suggested. Kevin felt taken aback.

"Why Monday and Friday?" He probed, feeling irritated. That was the time that he spent building his motorcycle.

"Well Kevin, Monday allows us to go over the material that will be presented in class, and Friday allows us to revisit the topic and examine which parts of the content we struggled with."

Kevin couldn't help but scoff lightly. Eddward's face contorted into frustration. He squared his shoulders and took a step towards Kevin; if he didn't know any better, he would have thought Eddward was trying to be intimidating.

Eddward cleared his throat again and began to articulate in a stern, academic voice.

"Listen here Kevin; I understand that this may not be the most ideal situation for you at this moment. I assure you, it certainly is not for me. But I understand the importance of absorbing one's education while maintaining academic stability during sports seasons." Eddward glanced downward, causing Kevin's eyes to follow. One of Kevin's incriminating failed quizzes had fallen from his backpack, a large "65" in red ink staring at both of them. Eddward locked eyes with Kevin once more.

"And I have come to the hypothesis that you will not be able to pass this class without I trust you will treat me with more respect in these coming weeks." No more was said as Eddward retrieved his school bag. He spun on his heels with more confidence than Kevin had ever seen the Ed boy ever exhibit before gracefully leaving the classroom. Kevin's legs couldn't move and his mouth was dry and agape; for once, he had no comeback.

 _I've never heard the nerd talk like that before..._ Kevin thought to himself. Slowly he leaned down to obtain the stray piece of paper.

"Since when did he develop a backbone?" He grumbled again, thoughtful. Kevin's puzzlement left him standing at the classroom door, watching Eddward approach the exit.

He pondered. Maybe this study thing wasn't such a bad idea after all.


	3. Papercuts

"Hello, Sockhead! Earth to Sockhead! C'mon man I don't want to be here any longer than I have to be!"

Eddward's eyes focused to the blank piece of paper before him. Tutoring Eddy was difficult enough, but it was even more challenging with his mind running in circles.

It was not healthy where his mind was drifting off to, but he quickly attempted to shake it off. Distractions were not of the essence right now.

Eddward cleared his throat before picking up Eddy's textbook.

"My apologizes, Eddy. Let us start over. What were some of the initial factors and conflicts that instigated World War II?"

Eddy paused, furrowed his brow and ripped the textbook from Edward's hand. As he pried the book open and flipped frantically through the pages, Eddward realized Eddy has yet again neglected study.

"Eddy, you'll never get out of remedial history if you don't at least skim the material." Eddy groaned.

"I don't see why we even have to learn this stuff, Double D. I mean, the past is over right? Isn't that the point?What does it matter what Turkey or Hungry did 70 years ago?"

"Stuffing anyone?" Ed approached the library's wooden table with full arms and a matching grin. His arms and his forehead had slight streaks of paint in a variety of colors. His arms were loaded with folders and loose papers.

"Hello Ed! And how was your art class?" Ed dropped his items onto the table and began to sort through them.

"I'm working on a new peice guys! He held up an elaborate space and alien sketch, half painted. The painting was realistic enough that Edward could almost feel the aliens breathing and hear the lasers firing. Ed had a real gift.

"Ain't I a Pinocchio or what, Fellas?"He asked with a smirk. Eddward grinned.

"Picasso Ed, and I must say you're artwork has certainly improved since middle school."

Ed beamed. It made Eddward so happy to see Ed show some confidence and pride in something he had accomplished.

"I really hope to have this one finished by Nazz's party. I think it would be a nice gift." Eddy ripped his eyes from his textbook to Ed's half completed piece before breaking out laughing.

"Yeah right! Like Nazz would be interested in a dumb ol' painting. Why don't' you give it to May and see if she'll let you hit second base?"

Ed noticeably recoiled, hunching his shoulders over and looking down.

"I don't want to play baseball with May, Eddy. I just want Nazz to have a nice birthday gift."

Eddward resented Eddy for how much he had been trying to push Ed sexually. Clearly he was not emotionally or mentally mature enough for such endeavors and he was not helping by teasing him about it.

"Well I think that's a very thoughtful idea Ed."Eddward commented "We all know Nazz loves thoughtful and kind people."

Eddy paused, narrowing his eyes. "Are you trying to say something, Sock Head?"

Eddward sighed, defeated.

"Of course not, Eddy. I'm going to go find a textbook with simpler timelines. Be right back."

Edward pushed out his chair and huffed to the History section of the library. He knew it was easier to walk away from Eddy than to argue with him, but sometimes he wished that standing up to him was the easier option.

Dazed hazel eyes glazed over the series of textbooks lining the dusty shelves. Hundreds of years of history and Eddy could not show interest in a single moment if his life depended on it.

His fingers grazed the plastic bindings until he found the material he was looking for. He slowly pulled the book from the shelf and lowered his eyes to the binding as he turned around.

A smooth talking voice graced Eddward's ears that was far too familiar.

Kevin.

Before Eddward could evaluate his actions, his legs developed a mind of their own, carried him closer to the source of the voice. He peered around the edge of a bookcase, attempting to remain silent.

Kevin had Nazz pressed up against a bookcases, his arm pressed against the bindings above her head. Nazz giggled flirtatiously and confidently as Kevin gave her a smirk.

That mischievous, devious smirk. Eddward was too familiar with that.

Eddward watched Kevin whisper something into Nazz's ear. After another giggle he planted a quick kiss onto her strawberry lips.

Eddward felt his chest tighten. Could they be dating? It was certainly possible. What could have happened over th course of the summer to trigger that?

 _"I was sure that Kevin…"_

His knees started to tremble but he found himself somehow unable to move. The textbook he had clasped between his palms had escaped and fallen to the floor with a gratuitous thud. He needed to leave. He needed to get Kevin's face removed from his brain. This was too much for him.

Kevin and Nazz paused, turning their heads towards the sound of the thump and the thin teen's direction.

 _Curses, they've noticed me_.

His feet would still not remove themselves from the library carpet.

Kevin and Eddward's eyes met, and once again Eddward found himself unable to read Kevin's eyes. Why did his eyes look that way?

"Dude, a little privacy, would ya?" Kevin uttered, casting his eyes downward.

Eddward obeyed, spinning on his heel and almost sprinting towards the back of the library where his friends were waiting, ignorant of his situation.

When Eddward returned to his friends, his face was read and his body was starting to perspire. His chest still felt tight and the last thing he wanted to do was to explain why he was so disheaveled.

Eddy looked up from his cellphone, appearing disinterested before his eyes squinted in confusion.

"What the hell happened to you, Sockhead? And where the hell is the book?"Eddward looked down into his suddenly empty hands; the book was gone, probably only a few feet from Kevin and Nazz's hiding spot. Eddward swallowed a hard lump.

"Oh, someone seems to have checked it out already."Eddward muttered. Eddy grunted, appearing bored.

"Well let's go do something else Double D. I'm getting bored of this stupid studying stuff." Eddy pushed his body out from the table. Normally, Eddward would protest, but the defeat in his mind had worn his body weak, and for a brief moment Eddward no longer cared about academic goals.

"Sure, Eddy. We've done enough. Let's go back to the Cul-de-Sac."Eddy's eyes widened. With a triumphant cheer, he sprung from the table and started to dart towards the door. His smartphone left abandoned on the table.

Eddward grabbed the phone, still open on the popular social media app that Eddy was so addicted to. His finger skimmed the screen, causing the screen to scroll down to more oversharing from his classmates.

Kevin and Nazz had posted a picture together, captioning it "two month anniversary", complete with hearts and smiley emojis. Eddward could have just swallowed a brick with the heavy feeling in his stomach.

Eddward felt the air escape from his lungs, suddenly unable to breathe. His eyes began to water.

"What were we then, Kevin?" He thought to himself. "What the hell were we?"

"Dammit. God dammit."

"Are you okay Double D?" Eddward turned to see Ed, still packing up his art projects with a concerned sadness in his eyes. Eddward sniffed and straightened his body, attempting to compose himself. This was not something he wanted to tell anyone, and was far too complicated for Ed to handle.

"Yeah, I'm fine Ed. Just feeling really out of it today. I think a good night's sleep would help" He tried to smile, but realized quickly that it probably was not very convincing. Ed tilted his head.

"Is it about Kevin and Nazz?"He asked slowly, Eddward almost choked.

"Wh...what would make you think that, Ed?" The nerd stuttered, chest so tight he thought his ribs would break.

"Well you guys got really close last year right? And how he won't talk to you? What happened?"

Floored, Eddward found himself speechless. As much as he and Kevin had worked to hide it, Ed had noticed the changes. They were so convinced they had everyone ignorant of their secret.

"Well I mean, friendships change Ed, and sometimes people grow distant. It's a perfectly normal part of growing up." Ed stared at Eddward, sadness still present in his eyes.

"You gotta talk to him, Double D. It's not fair for you to not understand what's going on. It happens to me sometimes and I would change it if I could, you know."

Edd could not speak.

"Ed, that is the most coherent thing I've ever heard you say."

Ed looked down, picking up his art bag and his football jacket from the wooden table.

"Just because I don't talk alot don't mean I don't have alot to say, Double D. Noone really stops to consider what I'm really good at, they just all look at what I can't do."

Without another word, Ed slung his bag over his shoulder and quietly walked past Eddward. Eddward watched him keep his solemn face until he was approached by Rolf, and suddenly that goofy smile had reappeared on his face.

Eddward felt morbidly embarrassed. He was so sure he knew the people around him, including his best friends. How could he have missed Ed's strengths?

Perhaps he was underestimating Ed and Eddy. They were his best friends after all. He should be willing to focus more on their strengths rather than their weaknesses. Perhaps telling them what had happened between himself and Kevin could be a beneficial action. Perhaps they would understand…

But then again, would they really believe him?

End of chapter


	4. Chemistry

Chapter 4

"I'm never going to get this, man. This is too complicated." Kevin groaned, removing his glasses before slamming his face onto the table.

He shoved the textbook to the end of the table to his left.

"Why does middle school feel the need to torture us? There is no way that high school is this difficult." Eddward patted Kevin's back reassuringly.

"There there Kevin. All it takes is a little critical thinking and a slow pace. You'll get this and pass the class with no problem!"

"Easy for you to say, Double D. You're, like, a genius or something." Eddward pulled some paperwork from his meticulous binder.

"Oh I am no genius Kevin, I just know my strengths. Now, let's move on to the periodic table next; where is the textbook?"

When Kevin didn't move, Eddward reached over Kevin to collect the textbook that Kevin had frustratingly pushed aside. As Eddward leaned over, something shiny caught Kevin's eye. An earring back was protruding from Eddward's left earlobe. Double D had a piercing?

When Eddward returned to his upright position, Kevin noticed the earring was a clear ball, almost unnoticeable for anyone not sitting close to him.

"Dude, is that an earring?" The probing question turned Eddward's face slightly pink. He reached up to the lobe and touched the metal backing.

"Oh, uh, yeah. One of Eddy's backwards schemes. He found his brother's old piercing gun."

"You let Dorky punch a hole in your head?" Kevin laughed, blown away at the image of Eddy with such a device and no one to keep him in check. That was so typical for Eddy it was almost ironic.

"Yes, well, it wasn't something I was very proud of. Once he opened his father's liquor cabinet it was all over."

Kevin raised up his hands slightly in shock.

"Wait-hold up- you've had booze?! No freaking way!"Eddward's brow furrowed as his face continued to deepen in color.

"Once, and it lead to this; obviously I do not think it's wise to duplicate the behavior again." Kevin barked out a laugh.

"Naw, you just shouldn't drink with Eddy. The kid seems like he would take advantage of anyone he could if given the chance." Eddward looked down and said with a huff "That is certainly not true. Eddy is a good person deep down, he is just too insecure for his own good."

There was a long pause before Kevin spoke again.

"Why do you hang out with them, Double D? They seem like they hold you back more than build you up. My coach says you can't have people like that in your life; they'll fuck you up for life, man."

Eddward could not make eye contact, tongue tied by Kevin's words and concerned face. Suddenly he was self conscious of what Kevin's perception of him was evolving into.

As Kevin leaned forward to speak, Eddward could smell the body spray cologne on Kevin's clothing, sending his senses into a fuzzy sensation he was unfamiliar with.

Since when did he find Kevin to be so handsome?

"They're my friends; they always have been, even when no one else was." Kevin leaned closer.

"Honestly dude, I think you would have had more friends growing up if you hadn't stayed stuck to those dorks. You're pretty cool Edd, and you're smart too. Those Eds are just holding you back."

Kevin was too close. Eddward could see the speckles of brown in Kevin's eyes. This was too much. What was he saying?How could he even say things like that to him? Eddy and Ed were his best friends. Kevin knew almost nothing about them.

Why was Eddward feeling so exposed?

Kevin cleared his throat, suddenly backing off of Eddward and looking away and rubbing the back of his head with his hand.

"I mean, you know, just saying is all." Eddward cleared his throat as well.

"Well, thank you for your input Kevin. May we get back to the periodic table?" Kevin groaned as Eddward laid out the textbook's grid in front of them.

"You'll get this Kevin, I know you will."


	5. Missing Parts

Chapter 5

Kevin's judging eyes and Nazz's gleaming smile scraped against Eddward's heart. Even the night's restless sleep could not prepare him for the emotional rollercoaster his body was experiencing. Surely, his academics were going to suffer.

Eddward's head continued to spin during the walk to school. Eddy must have asked a dozen times what Eddward's problem was. As if Eddward could even begin to explain. Where would he even begin?

The hallways florescent lights felt blinding to Eddward's eyes; he felt particularly vulnerable to the distracted bodies around him. Could they read his thoughts? Could they see his secrets with their eyes? Intellectually, he knew this was physically impossible but anxiety rarely wanted to take those facts into account.

As Eddward approached and opened his locker, he had convinced himself that no one in the school knew what he was thinking, and he had convinced himself that perhaps if he stays away from Kevin long enough, his emotions would sort themselves out.

A warm hand encased Eddward's shoulder, causing him to rotate slowly towards the owner.

Those eyes again.

"Hey man, you, uh, left this yesterday." Kevin holds out the heavy text book that Eddward dropped when he discovered Nazz and him alone together. In all of his panic, he never went back for it.

"Oh. I guess you're right. Thank you, Kevin…" Eddward reached up to retrieve the book from Kevin's hands. As their fingertips brushed, Eddward's face grew warm.

"Yeah, uh, no problem dude. Just, you know, make sure you return it on time. It's under my name and I don't want to get stuck paying a fine." Eddward almost laughed; Kevin knew the likelihood of a late textbook return form him was almost zero.

Kevin certainly knew, so why was he pretending that he did not?

"Sure…" Eddward trailed off. Kevin shoved his hand into his pocket and pulled out his motorcycle keys. As he started to walk away, Eddward couldn't help but call out to him.

"Kevin wait-" his voice was already beginning to shake. How could he let someone make him feel this way? Kevin paused before turning back to face him.

"What?"

Eddward filled his lungs. How could he even phrase what he was thinking?

"What….What are we Kevin? What happened to us?" Kevin averted his eyes.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Dweeb. We weren't anything."

"Surely you can't stand here in front of me and tell me that I made it all up."

"Maybe I can. You have a big brain, dork. Big enough to imagine something weird." Eddward was drawn aback.

"What happened, Kevin?"

" Nothing happened to us. There was never anything. I'm sorry that you got the wrong idea Double D." As Eddward opened his mouth to speak, Kevin held his hand up.

"Just forget it, Edd. Forget all of it. None of it was real."

"If none of it was real, why would you call me Edd?" Eddward made his voice sharp, probing into Kevin's mind and hopefully his heart. A cruel jab, but shoving away those memories he held dear couldn't be more cruel.

Kevin paused, face glowing red and eyes squinting in frustration; caught in his own words, he wasn't sure if he could just brush Eddward off or if he was required to own up.

He shook his head before turning his back on

 _How could he?_

Eddward's brain began to fizz like static, unable to comprehend this new series of emotion that was coursing through his body.

Fear. Regret. Anger. Longing. Loss.

"Yo Sockhead, wanna skip second period and go to the junkyard? I need to find a part for my new car." Eddy's arm was suddenly wrapped around Eddward's shoulders, replacing the warmth of Kevin's missing hand. Ed appeared in his peripheral vision. What felt like hours was merely seconds.

"Tell ya what, I'll bring the booze if you bring the car smarts, eh?" Eddy probed more with a chuckle. Ed laughed along. Eddward took a deep breath.

"Sure." Eddward stated. Eddy's eyes and mouth flew open in shock.

"Wait, what?"

Eddward cleared his throat.

"I would be honored to help you Eddy, in fact, lets forget just next period and skip the whole day." Eddy dropped to the ground as his knees gave out underneath him. He and Ed gasped in shock. Ed gave Eddward a large hug, swinging his friend back and forth in glee.

"Really Double D! Honest cross your heart with cookies on top?!" Eddward exclaimed. Eddy stood up from the door.

"Sweet! Let's get out of here before the next bell!" Ed lifted Eddward from his feet once more, slinging him over his shoulders as he and Eddy ran down the hallway and out of the back school entrance.

The school bell rang as the boys passed the courtyard, yet Eddward found himself apathetic. Anything would be better than breathing the same air as Kevin.

When the boys arrived to the junkyard, Eddward's spinning mind was beginning to slow. Watching Ed and Eddy tinker with miscellaneous parts gave him a comforting feeling of nostalgia; it felt like things were so much easier only a few years ago, where their biggest concerns was getting to the candy store at a reasonable interval. It is amazing how much things can change.

"What about this Sockhead?" Eddy shoved a large item resembling a fan towards Eddward's direction. Eddward looked up from staring at his own loafers.

"That's an alternator, Eddy. I don't think you need that now, but maybe save it somewhere in case you need it later." Eddy paused before going back to the pile of car parts. Eddy had to be so confident if he thought he could build his own car from scratch. He had never shown much of an affinity for automotives.

Not like…

"Hey Eddy, if I had been hiding something, would you judge me for it?" Eddward's throat closed up as soon as the words escaped it. Eddy peered up from the mass of gears and wires, squinting his eyes in confusion.

"Dude why do you feel like you gotta hide stuff? It's not like we give a rat's ass, right, Ed?"

Ed peered up, appearing to be spending his time examining radio pieces rather than listen to the conversation.

"Honestly Sockhead you think too much. Sometimes you just need to let loose and act more without, you know, thinking so much. Life is easier that way."

Eddward brought his knees to his chest, resting his back against the old van that had once been their secret hideaway. They rarely used it now.

"What if I told you something happened with Kevin?" Eddy scowled.

"Dude, Kevin is just acting like an asshole because of all of those rumors going around last year. He's going to be butthurt with everyone calling him gay, that's like a major reputation ruiner for super mondo lug heads like him."

"But I think I'm...:" Eddy interrupted before Eddward could continue

"Don't even let that stupid shit get to your head dude. The loser was lucky that you were even willing to help him last year. He would have totally gotten stuck held back if it wasn't for you."

Eddy stood up, attempting to lift the alternator; he motioned to the item and asked Ed for help, who obeyed. As the two carried the item behind the van, Eddy continued.

"Don't even worry what those stupid assholes think, Double D. We'll stick by you. No one is going to call _my_ friend a _faggot_."

The slur slammed into Eddward's temple, causing his head to whip sideways at the utterance. He couldn't help but recoil; such a nasty word.

Ed stopped walking.

"That's not a very nice word, Eddy." Eddy scoffed.

"So? I'm surprised you even know what it means. Put it down here." Ed obeyed, furrowing his eyebrows.

"I'm just saying it like it is. Maybe if you two showed more interest in getting a babe you wouldn't have these rumors going around, sockhead."

"Why do you ask, Double D?" Ed inquired softly, tilting his head. Eddward did not want to speak.

"Just...concerned about those rumors, Ed. That's all." Ed peered down. If anyone had any clue as to what was going on, Ed was on the right track.

"Hand me a wrench, won't ya sockhead?" Eddward absently lifted the heavy tool and passed it to his childhood friend.

"Here, Eddy."

Perhaps not much had actually changed, after all.


	6. Heat

Eddward loved water. He could spend hours in it if he wasn't so disgusted by skin pruning. He always felt so at peace when encased by the gentle waves.

So when he noticed the invitation to Nazz's first pool party of the year, he was not anticipating the elaborate lack of peace and quiet.

Nazz had an older sister that attended community college across town and a mother that traveled frequently. This combination not only allowed frequent household parties, but also frequent access to alcohol during said parties.

Eddward had never seen his classmates in an inebriated state before, but to call it shocking was an understatement.

People he's known since kindergarden stumbling around, screaming and throwing up was beyond his comprehension; and without Eddy or Ed there to buffer the madness, Eddward could only stand in the corner of the patio, drink in hand feeling vulnerable. He wasn't even sure why he was invited to this party when Ed and Eddy were not. He felt guilty.

When Nazz approached him, clad in her bikini and flower crown, Eddward made his best effort to pretend he was having a good time.

"Double D! Oh my God dude! Where have you been hiding?" Eddward uttered a nervous chuckle.

"Oh I haven't been hiding Nazz, I swear." Complete lie; he had been hiding the entire time.

"Dude Kevin has been looking for you _everywhere_! C'mon!" Nazz's soft fingers wrapped around Eddward's wrist and pulled forcefully towards the opposite side of the pool where Kevin had been chatting with whom Eddward believed to be the rest of the football team.

Kevin waved to Nazz and Eddward upon arrival, sports toned body already glowing gold from the summer sun. Eddward flushed.

Kevin greeted his two friends eagerly, swaying slighting with a plastic cup in his hand. He draped his arm over Eddward's shoulders. The smell of his sweat and the chlorine of the pool was wrapping around Eddward's shoulders was almost comforting in a way that Eddward couldn't quite understand.

The party kept Eddward's anxiety high, but he was hesitant to leave. Kevin wanted him there, clearly. He could not fathom why else he would have been invited to such an exclusive party without his friends. Kevin handed him a cup that smelt of rum. He accepted the cup but reminded Kevin that he was apprehensive of drinking.

"Yeah but I told you man, you just gotta drink without Eddy. No one here is going to punch a hole in your head." Eddward shrugged and took a sip, feeling pressure to conform but also experiencing pressure to make the anxiety stop. There might be soda in there, but he could barely tell.

"C'mon dude, how often do you really get to just chill out and enjoy yourself?" Eddward looked down at his flip flops and yellow swimshorts.

Perhaps it was time to see what his life could be like when he was not equipped with his friends as a shield.

Within two hours Eddward had realized he made a mistake. That dizzy lightheaded feeling brought him back to the night of the piercing gun. It seemed his impulse control faltered with alcohol, but he was already confident of that. Kevin encouraged him, cheering him on and encouraging the other guys to include him. Rolf even offered Eddward moonshine. The music was deafening and Eddward felt exhilarated for the first time in a long time.

Perhaps he was like the other kids after all. Maybe there was nothing wrong with how close he felt to Kevin or how nervous he had become around his friends.

Kevin and Eddward dropped heavily onto the couch, both dizzy and warm, swimsuits long dry from the pool. Eddward leaned his weight against Kevin's shoulder, sighing slightly. Kevin grinned and slung his arm around him again.

"See man? I told you that you'd loosen up without those dorks."

Eddward looked up at Kevin, tilting his head and pulling away from him.

"Well I'm a dork too, Kevin." Kevin stared at him, eyes narrowing and glazing over.

"Naw man, you're different. You've always been different."

The tension that followed caused the boys to turn shades of red and to throw back more drinks. They didn't understand what they were feeling.

By the time midnight came around Eddward's mental fog faded enough to notice Kevin had brought him upstairs to the bathroom.

Pink and purple towels and miscellaneous clothing littered the bathroom floor. Eddward would be bothered by the mess if he wasn't so drunk.

Kevin stared at himself in the mirror for a brief moment before turning to Eddward.

"Hey man, I want to try something." Eddward furrowed his brow and tilted his head.

"Try what?" he asked. Kevin placed his hands on Eddwards shoulders and guided him to have his back against the sink. Eddward felt his muscles tensen.

When Kevin approached Eddward slowly, face blushed from the alcohol and the heat, Eddward's heart picked up pace; but when Kevin pressed his lips against his, he felt his heart almost stop.

Blood was pounding in his ears as his Kevin's mouth pressed harder, the warm wet taste of him and the moonshine permeating Eddward's mouth.

He had been spending months trying to figure out this strange feeling in his stomach. The weird dreams and the self consciousness. He wanted this.

Mouths opened and pressed against each other harder. Teeth crashing into each other. Eddward felt himself lifted from the floor to the ceramic of the sink and felt his legs wrap around Kevin.

What was this?

Kevin pressed himself into Eddward, his fingers reaching into Eddward's hair and tangling himself into dark locks just beneath his hat. Unsure what to do with his hands, he pressed his palms against the edge of the sink, trying to maintain his balance.

In all of his life, Eddward never would have thought his first kiss would be in a bathroom at a party, let alone with someone like Kevin.

When Kevin had finally pulled his lips from Eddward's, air rushed back into both of their lungs. Perhaps forgetting to breathe wasn't a smart idea.

Eddward stared at Kevin, faces both red and dewed with sweat; when they made eye contact, Kevin's eyes grew wide. Saliva glistened from Kevin's upper lip. Kevin smiled, but it quickly faded when they heard Rolf screaming for them at the foot of the stairs. Kevin looked at Eddward for just a moment long.

"Thanks, Edd." he turned and quickly exited the bathroom, leaving Eddward sitting on the bathroom sink confused and aroused well beyond what he has experienced in the past.

They were 14 years old. Eddward had very little practical knowledge of how sexuality works. What did this mean? Was this something people conducted in practice or was Kevin trying to tell him something?

And how in Sam Hill was he supposed to hide this erection for the rest of the party?


	7. Dust

There really was no need to go over the chapters again; Eddward knew them by heart, more than prepared for the last final of Junior High. But perusing the volumes upon volumes of knowledge and literature gave Eddward a sense of belonging and calmness that he often did not experience in everyday life.

While glazing his eyes over the familiar titles, he was caught off guard when a pair of arms wrapped themselves around Eddward's waist, pulling him backwards and around the corner into the much abandoned History of Mathematics Section. Eddward couldn't help the yelp that escaped from his lips and was quickly silenced when he felt another pair of lips crash into his own.

"Kevin!" Eddward exclaimed when his lips were free. "What in the Sam Hill-" Kevin bounced back with a clever smile before hanging Eddward a piece of paper. It was the grading rubric for their Final Exam in Chemistry. A sold B- sat at the top of the paper in red ink. Kevin had passed.

"Congratulations Kevin! You passed! " Eddward beamed, feeling proud; all of those weeks of tutoring and studying really paid off for him. Now Kevin will be able to safely get into highschool with the rest of their class.

"Yeah, I couldn't have done it without you, Edd. You saved me there." Eddward smiled proudly.

"Why it was a pleasure Kevin! I am so thrilled to see you develop such academic improvement."

At the word "pleasure" Eddward noticed Kevin immediately recoil.

"Well here is the thing, Edd. You really saved my ass. I wouldn't be able to get into highschool without you, and I would have had to stop football and i would not have qualified for baseball or track this year. I really want to pay you back for it."

Eddward let out a nervous laugh. Kevin had that look on his face again; the look that taunted him at Nazz's party. They still had not discussed what had happened that night, nor any of the other incidents of heavy kissing and touching that have occurred during many of their study sessions. It was too hard to discuss and Eddward honestly did not want to ruin it.

"Oh no repayment is necessary Kevin, just work hard and keep those grades up! Motivation and effort in your studies is more than enough of a reward for me!" Kevin rolled his eyes with a smirk.

"Cute, dude. C'mon, at least let me do a favor for ya." Eddward cocked his head slightly in confusion.

"Well I don't see why not. I may need some time to think of a favor, Kevin." Eddward waved his hand slightly while he was speaking. Kevin slowly grabbed his wrist.

"I already have one in mind, dork." Kevin lead Eddward farther back into the history section, where the light has dimmed from a dead fluorescent bulb. When Edd's back hit the wooden bookshelf, Kevin's lips slammed into his. Eddward was still unsure how to feel about the recent development in their relationship.

Kevin brought his hands to Eddwards face before dragging them down across his torso and to his lower back. Eddward shivered when he dragged his fingertips down his backside before cuping the cheeks in his hands as he deepened the kiss.

Eddward could feel his face heat up. Surely this was not an appropriate place for such an activity…Eddward was not even sure what the activity would be called, nor what the punishment would be if they were to be caught. This was at least a detention...

Kevin buried his face into Eddward's neck, sucking and nipping gently on the skin. Eddward jerked at the sensation, a small moan escaping from his lips.

"Careful dork, we don't want anyone to come around looking for us." Kevin slowly crouched down, planting his knees into the maroon carpet. His fingers struggled against Eddward's belt buckle.

Eddward, face blazing and lungs screaming for air, could barely get his protest out before Kevin won his struggle.

Eddward's protests melted into brief moans, blood rapidly rushing to his face. He silently prayed that no one other than Kevin heard his desperate panting his shoulders and back rubbing up against the bookshelf. He could feel and smell the dust collecting on his shirt.

Eddward could not imagine that this was Kevin's first attempt at oral sex.

Eddward gripped Kevin's shoulders tight, the sudden release hit like lightning blindsiding him and rocking his body hard against the bookshelf. His eyes rolled into the back of his head as he felt his body slide down the bookshelf and onto the floor. Was this what an orgasm felt like?

When he opened his eyes Kevin was returning to his feet, wiping his hands on the bike shammy always shoved in his back pocket. He wiped the side of his lips with his thumb before smirking shyly. The gleam in his eye was new to Eddward, mystifying. Kevin peered around the book cases before approaching Eddward and pressing one more kiss on his lips. He tasted salty. Eddward felt his face blush again.

Kevin winked, green eyes sparkling.

"Until Next time, Ed."


	8. Grass Stains

To say Eddward was confused would be an understatement.

Kevin and Eddward's relationship was developing faster than the speed of light and Eddward could hardly keep up. Late nights texting or iming online, notes in each other's lockers, secret rendezvous in the library and locker room. The nights when Kevin would sneak into his room would keep Eddward's heart aflutter for days.

Eddward felt guilty, like he was doing something wrong, but the excitement kept drawing him back.

Despite the quiet excitement Eddward was feeling, Kevin made it clear that he did not want anyone to discover their relationship. They were very rarely seen together in public, and when they were Kevin was adamant about keeping contact platonic. It worried Eddward. Was he not good enough for Kevin? Was he too embarrassed to be seen with such a nerd? ]

Was it because Eddward was a guy?

It seemed like in this day and age, people would be more open to such a possibility. However peach creek was a very small down in a very remote area and Eddward was in a large city for the first few years of his life. It wasn't that he was necessarily okay with the idea, but he was at least willing to consider experimenting in different kinds of relationships.

"Kevin, what is your family like?"

The creek on the outskirts of the cul-de-sac was so much more peaceful now that Edd was older. He and Kevin were able to sit under an oak tree without the threat of being bothered. Eddward worked on class assignments while Kevin tired away on his motorcycle, a small toolbox open to his right. This was the kind of quiet he needed.

Kevin murmured "Irish, I guess." Eddward frowned.

"Does your dad still work at the Jawbreaker factory?" He probed again. Kevin grunted in agreement.

"Do you have any siblings?" Kevin turned around from his bike, tossing a small wrench lightly onto the grass.

"Why are you asking me all of these questions, Edd?" Eddward peered down at his notebook, face heating up.

"Well I mean we grew up together, but we seem to hardly know each other and I think that considering the circumstances maybe we should…"

"Edd, please." Kevin pleaded, pinching the bridge of his nose and tilting his head down. The motion coerced Eddward into silence.

"I can't talk about this right now." He continued, turning back to his bike.

"Kevin, what's wrong? Don't you want to…?" Eddward started but trailed off. If Kevin was so hesitant, he might not want to hear the answer to his question.

"Its just, I like you alot Ed. You know that. I would just rather keep this between us? We don't need everyone else in our business." Kevin gave Eddward that award winning smile. Eddward couldn't help but smile back. He nodded as Kevin approached him, grass stains on his khaki shorts before Kevin pushed him to the ground with a forceful kiss.

Maybe it was okay. Kevin will come around. Right?

~~.~~.~~

Eddward could hear his brain screaming. The walls in his yellow bedroom appeared to be caving in on him slowly, as if they were mocking him.

There was no logical explanation as to why his body decided he needed to have a panic attack now of all times. But alas, once again his body decided to betray him, forcing him to question everything he had ever been concerned about and things he had never considering worrying about until exactly that moment.

He almost did not hear the light knocking on his bedroom window over the heaving of his heart slamming into his rib cage. Eddward turned to see Kevin, backpack over his shoulder as he balanced haphazardly on a tree limb outside of his window.

Eddward rushed over to the window, fligning it open and dragging kevin in by his shirt.

"Kevin! What in Heaven's name do you think you're doing?! You could have fallen! The splinters alone could have-" Kevin placed his palm on Eddward's cheek, silencing him instantly. His heart pounded again, but Eddward did not think it was the anxiety. It was at this moment that Eddward noticed the bruise adorning Kevin's temple and the swollen knuckles on his left hand. Eddward paused, peering up at Kevin, who was staring at him with sad eyes.

"Kevin, what in the world…" He slowly took Kevin's injured hand and lead him over to his bed. Kevin did not speak until after Eddward had sterilized and bandaged the split knuckles.

They sat in silence for a few moments. Eddward pressing an ice pack to Kevin's temple, and kevin watching the blood soak through his bandages. Eddward's heart beat began to slow, almost thanking him for the sudden distraction.

"Edd…" Kevin started slowly. Eddward brought his eyes to Kevin's.

"Edd...I think we should run away." Eddward recoiled, shocked at the question.

"Kevin what are you talking about?" He placed his hands on Eddward's small shoulders and stared straight into his eyes.

"We aren't meant to be here. We could leave tonight and go wherever we want to! You've always wanted to visit the city again, right? We could live there, just us." Eddward slowly reached up, cupping Kevin's hands and pulling them down off of his shoulders before lacing his own fingers within Kevins'.

"What are you talking about Kevin? We can't go anywhere. We're 15."

"I'll be 16 in August."

"That's still too young Kevin. We can't leave our families or our friends, we have lives here. Why would you want to leave?" Kevin looked down, not answering immediately. The request was so out of place, so jarring that Eddward was taken aback. Eddward and Kevin rarely discussed their feelings or their lives. Was there something going on that Kevin was hiding?

"Why wouldn't you want to leave?" Kevin squeezed Eddward's hands tighter.

Eddward leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on Kevin's lips. He could not fathom what Kevin must be feeling right now. He could only assume something terrible has happened to cause him to run like this.

Kevin grasped his hands into Eddward's hair before latching his lips to his own. He slowly coerced Eddward onto his back on the bed.

Eddward could feel his brain began to short circuit under Kevin's touch.

Hands. Lips. Shirt. Chest. lips. Pants. Groin. Hands. Breath.

Before Eddward could focus his mind again his shirt was off and Kevin was down to his boxers. Eddward could barely hear with his heartbeat pushing the blood to his temples. His chest was heaving with hot air and he could feel the cold sweat dribble down his back.

His neck was sore, he could already feel the hickeys turning into bruises. His pelvis was on fire, groin screaming; Kevin was fumbling with Eddward's belt buckle.

Was this it? Eddward grabbed Kevin's hands, stopping his fingers from unlocking the buckle further. Kevin paused, peering up at Eddward with urgent, sad green eyes.

"What's wrong...am I going too fast?"

Eddward's heart dropped.

"Are we doing this Kevin? I mean biologically speaking I suppose it is possible but.." Kevin pecked Eddward with a kiss again.

"Do you love me, Edd?" Eddward could feel his heart explode, they had been moving so quickly that he felt hesitant. But Eddward had never felt so strongly about someone like this in his life.

"O-of course I do, Kevin.." He stammered. Kevin smirked., glancing down and

"We can stop if you want, it's okay." Eddward paused, contemplating the ticket out of the situation.

"Well, I mean...I just…" Kevin sat up and looked Eddward straight in the eyes, a look that Eddward could not describe but started his heart back up into a anxious frenzy

"There is literally nothing in the whole world that could make me stop loving you, dork."

Eddward could feel the corner of his lips raising and his heart lifting from his chest. He could see his heart floating on the ceiling. Eddy always said that people only live once, so why hold back?

Eddward shrugged, "What the hell" He lunged forward and locked Kevin into another deep kiss.

It was awkward, uncomfortable and messy, but it was one of the best nights of Eddward's life.


	9. Hoops

Hoops

If Eddward had a backbone, he would go straight up to Kevin and demand an explanation for his behavior. If he had any spine at all, he would call him out in front of everyone so he could not shove Eddward away. If Eddward had any ounce of courage or stubbornness in his body, Keving would be forced to confront him whether he wanted to or not.

But Eddward did not have have a backbone; all he had was vulnerability and a secret that was becoming too heavy to bare. Surely someone knows _something_ ….

When Eddward decided to speak to Nazz about Kevin, he recognized the risk of it. Either she knew about Kevin and him or she was blissfully ignorant. Either way, mishandling the confrontation could be devastating for the three of them combined. Eddward would rather anyone else speak to Nazz about this, but he had few options.

While it normally would have taken some time to track Nazz down, he had heard from Ed that she was coaching the Junior High cheerleading squad across the street. Eddward turned the corner to the junior high football field and recognized Sarah's blaring screams of cheer before he saw her face. How Ed dealt with his sister regularly was beyond him; Eddward thanked whatever heavens there were that he was an only child.

Nazz had Jimmy on a handstand, holding his ankles to keep him steady.

"There you go, Jimmy, now just push off and cartwheel over!" Nazz smiled brilliantly, her freckled nose scrunched up under her blue eyes, blonde hair glistening behind her. If Eddward was interested in girls, he was sure Nazz would make his heart stop. No wonder Eddy seemed to be perpetually drooling over her. She just had this aura over her.

Jimmy collapsed under his own wiry frame, crying out as the crown of his head hit the ground. Poor kid; cheerleading certainly did not look easy. Sarah sighed heavily before approaching her lunch bag by the bleachers. She grabbed the ice pack from the bottom of her bag before jogging over to Jimmy. The amount of patience she had for that boy was astonishing.

Eddward took that opportunity to flag Nazz down, waving and calling her name with a friendly smile.

"Hiya Double D! What's up? Still coming to my party next weekend?" She embraced Eddward in a warm hug, her golden tan skin contracting with his pasty complexion.

"Greetings, Nazz. The jury is still out on that decision, but I will keep you updated. How are you?"

"Just swell, Double D! Jimmy has almost mastered a cartwheel! Haven't you Jimmy?" Jimmy groaned in response, starting to push Sarah's ice pack closer to his temple.

"It's a work in progress." Nazz continued with a chuckle, before turning back to Eddward.

"Yes well I can only imagine how difficult that can be. Have you seen Kevin recently?" He paused, working up an excuse; "I want to check on his academic progress following last year."

She smiled "You're such a good friend, Double D! He's at the basketball court. He and his dad are fighting again, so he'll probably be there for a while." Eddward nodded.

"What kind of fight?" He propped, Nazz's smile faded.

"Oh you know, raging irish stereotype kind of fights. Mr. Burns gets loaded and he and Kevin go at it. The beginning of last summer he put Kevin in the hospital for like 3 weeks. It was really really scary."

Eddward flinched at the thought.

"That's awful! Why have the police not been contacted?!" Nazz shrugged.

"They have been, but Kevin is 16 now. I guess he's old enough to decide whether or not to stay or something. He said if he let children's services take him away, he'd end up in a group home or something. He doesn't want to leave Peach Creek." NAzz faltered.

"But don't tell him that I told you that, okay? He doesn't want people getting into his personal stuff." Eddward nodded with a kind smile.

"Of course Nazz, my apologies for intruding. I will go and check on Kevin now, thank you." Nazz smiled back.

"I better see you at my party, Double D, I mean it." Eddward smiled again before saying his goodbyes. It sounded like she would hound him about this party until he agreed. He sighed, wondering if he should just accept the invitation or risk harassment for the rest of the school year.

Perhaps he would consider such a debate at a later time.

He could hear the dribbling of a ball the pavement when he approached the high school basketball court. Kevin did not notice immediately as Eddward approached. He continued to run back and forth on the court, shooting the orange orb into the white hoop over and over again. His face was scrunched up tight and covered in sweat, like he was frustrated with something. His sneakers thumped violently against the textured court.

When Kevin noticed Eddward's presence, he slowed to a stop. Sweat dripped down his temples. He said nothing as the ball flew through the hoop and bounced off of the court.

The two teenagers stared at each other for what felt like years, but could only be minutes. Kevin maintained his gaze, wide eyed, while Eddward could only stare at Kevin's black eye; purple and black, swollen, his eye was no longer white but red. Eddward wanted to reach out and treat it desperately.

"What happened to you, Kevin?"

The flash of vulnerability that came to Kevin's face faded to a scowl quickly, but it was slow enough for Eddward to catch it. Maybe something else was going on. Maybe Kevin was not pushing him away out of choice.

"None of your business Dork, but someone decked me at the football game this weekend. Are you done invading on my life again, you creep?"

Eddward flinched.

"Kevin you can't keep doing this to us. Whatever happened, I'm here for you. I still…" Kevin held up his hand, halting Eddward again. He slowly approached the basketball on the edge of the court and picked it up.

"Look, Edd. I'm sorry about what I did to you. But I'm not gay. I can't be. I thought I was, but I was wrong. I didn't know how to tell you, and I'm sorry."

"Kevin-"

"Just leave me alone, Edd. Get out of my face. I can't….I can't be associated with a _faggot_ like you."

The words hit hard, jolting Eddward and causing him to stumble backwards."

"That's it!" Eddward growled, finding some fire within himself for the first time in months. He stomped up to a confused Kevin before sticking his finger in his face and raising his voice.

"Now you listen here you son of a-" 

"Kevin!" The loud deep booming voice almost made Eddward jump out of his skin. At the foot of the court was a sleek red sports car. Inside appeared to be a gruff redheaded man calling about from the drivers window.

"Let's go, sport, I can't wait all day for your nonsense." The man was terrifying, carrying a square chin and matching square shoulders. His red facial stubble only accentuated his empty grey eyes. Cigarette hanging out of his mouth in a haphazard manner. He almost looked like Kevin.

"Yes Sir." Kevin called out. In what appeared to be a display of masculinity, Kevin shoved Eddward back with force, grumbling for Eddward to "Take a hike, nerd!" before slowly climbing down the hill to the gentleman's car.

"Was this faggot causing you more trouble, son?" The man jeered. Kevin shook his head as he opened the passenger side door.

"No dad, I was just telling him to go screw himself." He sat down slowly before shutting the door.

"Good job son. No need for that bullshit again." The man put the car into drive before continuing, "You learned your lesson, right?"

Kevin looked down as he buckled his seat belt.

"Yes Sir."

The two took off in a flash of red and car exhaust, leaving Eddward surrounded by the smoke of the tailpipe mixing with his own tears.

So that was it.


	10. Making Waves

"Double D, do you think space mutants would have red eyes or white eyes?"

" _The beginning of last summer he put Kevin in the hospital for three weeks. It was really really scary."_

"Double D, cmon, what does science say?"

" _He doesn't want to leave Peach Creek."_

"Sockhead!?" Eddward felt himself be jolted from the confines of his mind, back to Ed's living room rather than the high school basketball court. Ed frowned at his friend, white shirt covered in multicolored fluorescent paint. Ed had been working on this painting for weeks, and when he asked Edd to come keep him company as he finished, Eddward agreed. He hadn't wanted to be alone. Now he realized he wasn't being much company to Ed, either.

Eddward closed the textbook propped on his lap; he was barely reading it anyway.

"My apologizes, Ed. I think white would make more sense. " Ed nodded, content with the answer before reaching for his bucket of paints.

 _"Look, Edd. I'm sorry about what I did to you. But I'm not gay. I can't be. I thought I was, but I was wrong. I didn't know how to tell you, and I'm sorry."_

Was it heartbreak that he was feeling? Or anger?

" _Someone decked me at the football game this weekend. Are you done invading on my life again, you creep?"_

Was he really being abused?

"Double D, if you keep thinking too hard your brain is going to ooze out your ears." Eddward almost chuckled at the absurdity of the comment.

"You're right. Forgive me, Ed." Ed beamed at Eddwardbefore placing his brush down and wiping his hands dry on an old cloth. He approached Eddward and plopped down onto the couch next to him with a groan of relief. He lifted his booted feet and propped them onto the coffee table. Eddward was too exhausted to lecture him.

Eddward peered down at his cell phone, almost wishing Kevin would text him with an explanation...anything really to put his mind at ease. His screen lit up, showing a picture of himself with his two best friends the goofy faces that normally made Edd chuckle suddenly made his heart sink.

" _No one is going to call my friend a faggot."_

He didn't notice Ed peering over Eddward's shoulder at the picture until he spoke up, his deepened voice graveling out into Eddward's ears.

"You know, you're are not a bad person for wanting to be yourself, Double D."

Eddward's breath hitched, his eyes slowly following the source of those comforting words.

Ed's unwavering stare caused Eddward to avert his eyes and sigh in defeat.

"I...I suppose I know that, Ed." Ed leaned back, draping his arms over the couch.

"Eddy isn't trying to be an ass you know. He gets ahead of himself sometimes, but he's just trying to protect you, Double D. He doesn't trust Kevin; he never has, you know? He doesn't want something bad happening to you over something he doesn't really understand." Ed paused, resting his head on the back of the couch and peering up at the ceiling.

Eddward looked down at his hands again. He sighed again before agreeing with Ed.

"I think he's also afraid of us growing apart. Now that we're in high school, our days are measurably numbered. I can imagine that he wouldn't like the idea of us separating before we have to." He chuckled to himself. "But it seems so silly. He should know that we will always be close, right?" Ed frowned.

"C'mon Sockhead. You know you're going to get into some big fancy ivory school and me and Eddy are going to be left behind in Peach Creek."

"Its Ivy, Ed. Ivy League…"

"Whatever. We have known our whole lives that our days are numbered as a trio. I've made peace with it, I mean, you're the one kid in the cul-de-sac that we knew would eventually get the hell out of here. But Eddy? I don't think he's accepted it yet. I'm pretty sure he's still looking for a way to keep us all together. I'm not the smartest guy around but I think he's looking for a way for us to follow you." Eddward's eyes widened, his mind racing with the potential trouble Eddy could get himself into for the sake of leaving Peach Creek. Changing his grades, bribing a landlord, good lord there were so many possibilities with Eddy. He was so smart in all of the wrong ways.

Eddward did not speak for a moment, mulling over the conversation in his head. He knew he was heading towards elite schools. He has been pushed in that direction since elementary school.

Did it really matter how things turned out with Kevin? In the long run, even if they got together, the odds were strong that they would eventually have to seperate. There was no way he and Kevin would end up at the same University.

In all honesty, what did Eddward have to lose? Would confronting Kevin be the worst thing in the world knowing that he might never see him again after high school graduation?

A feeling began to rise in his chest. He was feeling almost confrontational.

"There are things that just cannot be changed, no matter how much we may want it to." Eddward muttered. He stood up, hoping to act quickly before his bravery wore away.

"Alright, that settles it then. Come, Ed. We have a party to attend."

It was easy to walk across the cul de sac to Nazz's house. It was also easy to enter the pouding music and flashing lights and witness their classmates, once innocent children, dancing wildly to the loud music and guzzling questionable liquids.

But when Eddward saw Kevin, leaning up against the back living room wall, suddenly it became incredibly difficult to be there with him.

Kevin's eyes disinterestedly glazed over the crowd. He didn't want to be there, not that night. When his eyes landed on Eddward's nervous face, his heart dropped into his stomach.

Their eyes met across the room, Kevin's words from days before ringing in both of their minds.

" _I can't be associated with a faggot like you."_

Eddward found his lips twisting into a scowl, eyes narrowing with an angry glare. Kevin's eyes dropped to the floor. He pulled his hat over his eyes before ducking out onto the back porch.

"Oh no you don't!" Eddward found himself growling. He pulled his head down over his hears and pushed past his peers onto the back deck. The cool hair hit his face, nipping at his nose and ears. Kevin was still walking to the opposite side of the deck. The dark water of Nazz's pool waved quietly and reflected the glowing lights from the house.

"Kevin! Kevin Stop...Don't think you can just walk away from me. " Kevin slowed, flipping the color up on his dark dress shirt. It was certainly not the dress code that appeared to be expected at this party, but Kevin tended to overdress when he was nervous.

"Just leave me alone do-" Eddward interrupted.

"Don't you dare! Don't even…." He paused, pushing a frustrated breath through his nose and squaring his shoulders. This was it. This was the time to show Kevin that he could be a man too.

The two teenagers stared at each other from across the back deck for what felt like an eternity to Eddward. His heart swelled in his chest, rising to the top of his throat and the loud thumping in his ears draining out the thumping music from inside of the house. Suddenly he was too emotional to articulate his anger like he had originally intended to. Suddenly he felt as vulnerable as that first time alone in the library, or that first night that Kevin snuck through his window.

The words flowed from his mouth with no control, his tongue drying up as it carried the syllables out into the cool air around them.

"I still love you, Kevin" He started, tears already starting to pool in the corners of his eyes. Kevin couldn't seem to make eye contact with him.

"Unlike you, I never lied, and I never took advantage of you like you had of me. Everything I said and felt was genuine. I hope you know that." Kevin looked up, appearing angry.

"I never took advantage of you, Edd! I would never…" He exclaimed, before cutting himself off, pulling himself back.

"You would never what? Use me for your sick queer experimentation?! For your private glory hole?! Is that it?!" Kevin flinched, biting his lower lip.

"I am a person, Kevin! Not something you can toy around with and then throw away when you're not interested anymore! If I'm not good enough for you, tell me! Don't just erase what you did to me like it never happened!

"Of course not…You don't understand, Edd…I'm not like you...I'm not"

"You're not what? A decent human being?!" Kevin scowled before dropping himself into the nearest deck chair, thrusting his head back and covering his eyes with his hands. "I'm not strong enough, Edd….I am just….I'm not. Okay?"

Eddward paused, his furrowed brow relaxing as his heart started to slow. "What...What do you mean by that?"

"You've always been so good at being yourself, Edd. You've had your stupid dork friends to back you up and you've never been afraid to be brainy and nerdy and nice and….and you're okay with being gay and I just…I can't."

He dropped his hands and lowered his face so he was looking at his sneakers and the wooden deck panels. Anything else but Eddwards's face would have sufficed. Eddward bit his lip.

"Do you really think I've been okay with being gay? This hasn't been easy for me either, Kevin. You're the first person I've ever had any real feelings for."

Eddward took a few steps forward slowly, lightly letting his feet tap against the hardwood.

"Kevin, it's okay. People are generally so much more accepting nowadays. I know it's rough but….I really think our friends will be understanding. "

Kevin shook his head, still refusing to look up immediately.

"No," He started, "Not in Peachcreek." Eddward crossed his arms over his chest and shuffled his feet. His determined drive was starting to run low. Now he just wanted to hide anywhere else.

"Well, you can't run away from yourself, Kevin. Not forever at least." He started to turn away, feeling frustrated and defeated. Maybe he was wrong; maybe tonight just wasn't the night to settle this.

Kevin's eyes widened, a realization seeping into his brain.

"No, I can't run from myself, but maybe…" He stood up, reaching out to Eddward's hand as he started to walk away. He spun Eddward around and cupped his face between both of his chapped hands.

"Run away with me, Edd." Eddward's eyes widened before he pressed his hands into Kevin's chest to push Kevin away

"Are you crazy, Kevin? We've talked about this! We're too-"Kevin grabbed Eddward's hands and held them.

"Not now, Dork. I realize that was an impulsive idea. We'd need a plan, a vehicle, money. What about after we graduate?"

"Kevin-" Kevin gripped Eddward's hands tighter, pulling them to his chest.

"No, seriously. We finish high school and then get the hell out of here. No one will know what hit them and we'd be long gone before they do. That will give us time to come up with a plan." Eddward shook his head. This was ludicrous, simply insane.

"Kevin there are more reasonable options than to simply run away and abandon everything in our lives."

Kevin pressed Eddward's palm to his chest, allowing Eddward to feel the erratic loud thumping of Kevin's heart.

"You are everything in my life, Edd. Don't you understand that? I can't be gay here. _We_ can't be gay here. This town is too cut off from the rest of the world, too small. We'll never be able to escape our reputations here." His voice was low, rumbling in his throat. Eddward shakily placed his palms on Kevin's cheeks.

"You're starting to worry me, Kevin. What are you not telling me?" Kevin placed his hands over Eddwards, bringing them down from his face before lacing his own fingers through them.

"Can you wait for me, Edd? Can you wait for me until we graduate?" His pleading eyes struck Eddward's heart deep. Kevin sounded almost like a maniac, illusioned with threats that Eddward could not see.

But Eddward had to remember that just because he could not see something didn't mean it was not there.

After all, isn't that how they got to this conversation in the first place?

"I mean, you know, you don't have to decide right away," Kevin stuttered, face turning red. "We have plenty of time to think about it, you know? Just….think about it?"

Eddward nodded slowly, causing Kevin to grin before pressing his lips against his. His hands rose to Eddward's face again, pulling him close. Eddward had almost forgotten what Kevin's lips had felt like. He was almost ashamed to have considered forgetting. Kevin pulled his lips away, taking Eddward's breath with him. His lungs struggled to recover.

The sliding back door opened, revealing Nazz in her favorite red mini skirt and black sweater. It was nights like these that Eddward remembered why Nazz was so popular with boys. Maybe she was hiding like Kevin was.

"Double D, could I, like, borrow you for a minute?" Kevin and Eddward pulled apart. Nazz either did not notice the two's exchange or did not care.

"Of course Nazz, I'll be right there." He turned back to Kevin for the briefest second, releasing his hands from Kevins. As he started to walk back to the house, all he could hear his Kevin's faint whisper from the deck.

"Wait for me."


End file.
